Showing posts with label Benjamin Netanyahu. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Benjamin Netanyahu. Show all posts

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

The future of for-profit news, from the future (Becky Hammond, Kate Upton, Olivia Wilde)


New York, N.Y., 2044 — Newsgathering organizations that operate for profit have become little more than megaphones for popular topics du jour, a Clairvoyant Times analysis has shown.

Gone are the days when journalists were watchdogs, holding those in power accountable for their deeds and calling for justice when scales were imbalanced. Journalists are increasingly being asked to write stories geared toward search engine optimization, or SEO, and trending topics on Google and Twitter, the analysis found. Here is one example, from the Aug. 6, 2044 edition of the New York Times, once considered a bastion of journalism integrity:

When Becky Hammon was named coach of the San Antonio Spurs in 2014, the sports world was at once shocked and excited. This week marks the 30th anniversary of Hammon’s hiring.

Hammon, however, was close to Kate Upton at that time. Back then, rumors claimed that Upton was pregnant, because she had gained weight. It quickly became apparent that the rumor was stirred to create publicity around Upton’s favorite dessert, Drake’s Yodels, which had only been on the market for a year after the company was rejuvenated by a Greenwich, Conn., billionaire after Drake’s parent company, Hostess, had earlier shuttered its doors.

Then came the case of Olivia Wilde, who also loved Yodels. In 2014, Wilde created a storm of controversy over a photograph of her breastfeeding her child. It was later confirmed that the photo was a fake, and was created by a fifth grader using advanced computer graphics techniques and Photoshop. 

The fifth grader happened to be a distant cousin of then-Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, who himself became hot news when his son invited a slurry of disreputable souls to join the ‘boys for a party on board the team’s $17 million bus. The night climaxed with a midnight showing of a pirated version of the blockbuster movie, Divergent, starring a bunch of improbably good-looking young people who have to fight their way to freedom.

Joining the bus party was London mayor Boris Johnson, who also made headlines in 2014 for announcing that he would run for prime minister of his beloved country. That news made Israel’s Benjamin Netanyahu accidentally push a red button, which launched additional missiles into Gaza, further inflaming tensions there.

Gaza decided to then release a biological weapon onto the Israeli people, using a nearly 100% lethal strain of the ebola virus. The ebola spread to many parts of the country, killing thousands before an effective quarantine was established. People said the attack was reminiscent of Hitler’s assault on Jewish people the century before, so the ebola strain was nicknamed “Hitler’s ebola.”

It’s clear that this story, like many others, was crafted solely to generate the maximum number of web hits, which would please advertisers whose first goal is to maximize the number of eyes that read their ads. It’s rarely considered, however, that web hits in Japan for a business in America might not be a benefit.

Other critics note that only elite businesses and corporations benefit from the “hits from anywhere” philosophy, since they are the only ones that can afford a strong international presence. The traditional mom-and-pop stores that were once the foundation of a thriving economy have become little more than a nuisance for the global conglomerate behemoths that dominate the world economy.

Some say the small business owner should diversify and offer products to sell online, and embrace this globalizing marketplace. The sad reality is that the global market is over-saturated with so many products that the lone salesman working on her own would find it nearly impossible to compete with the bottom-floor prices advertised by competitors who make money through volume.

During a previous era, these inequities would surely be covered ad nauseum by media outlets that saw this as an economic injustice and an affront the basic tenants of democracy. Not any more. The status quo is what matters, and to challenge it would be to bite off the hand that feeds.

The only hope for journalism, according to this media outlet’s analysis, is the non-profit model. Some websites have been able to make it work through generous donations, often by angel donors. Sometimes, money is raised through the audience itself, such as through the National Public Radio model.

In this way, the news organization is accountable to its audience, and not advertisers who only care about maximizing its sales reach. In this way, there is an incentive to write about stories that actually matter, and not ones that would simply benefit the advertiser. This model allows a news organization to focus on quality over quantity, and to create news that is so compelling that people would pay to continue to receive that organization’s work.

It’s not perfect, and it certainly has its flaws. But it’s better than the hyper-hit era that has dominated for-profit news since the early 21st Century.

Becky Hammond, Kate Upton, Olivia Wilde, Boris Johnson and Benjamin Netanyahu could not be reached for comment. Some are presumed dead, although it’s unclear because news organizations no longer write about people who were once famous but who have since fallen out of favor.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Mentally disabled man wins governor seat in Arizona

News wire FROM THE FUTURE: Phoenix, Ariz. Nov. 3, 2010.


Paris Hilton’s fingernail cleaner, Rufus Berkowitz, took the Arizona governor's seat in a landslide victory. Not a single pundit saw it coming. “The Berk,” as he calls himself, received 79 percent of the vote in his home state, and became the first individual to be elected to public office in the United States with an IQ of less than 50.


“Arizona is [a] good state,” The Berk said during his victory speech at the Hooters near Metroman Mall in Phoenix. “Is really, really, really good that those dumb [expletive] ain’t gonna run the show.”


Arizona voters seemed thrilled to have The Berk as their next governor.


When Javier Perez heard the news he took off running like a madman, belting Spanish phrases of jubilation as police officers chased him around the block screaming for his identification. After a thorough background check, DNA analysis and full-cavity body search, the authorities released the 31-year-old painter from Mesa. But Perez would net let the police ruin this special day.


“This is a great day for everyone,” he said, as he removed a wedgie. “Not only is The Berk gonna clean house, he’s gonna make sure that all Mexican laborers get free sandwiches on Fridays.”


The Berk’s passion for Friday feedings of the entire Arizona populace was one of his main running points. Republican incumbent Jan Brewer was shocked at The Berk’s sweep of the election.


“I’m appalled,” Brewer said at her loser’s press conference. “It’s as if the great people of the state of Arizona would prefer to have a retard running things than Mr. [Terry] Goddard or I.”


Democratic candidate Goddard was equally bemused.


“You can’t have a person run the state who can’t even count to 10,” he said. “It’s just not good governance.”


When The Berk learned of his adversaries’ statements, he was filled with anger.


“I can count to 10,” he said. “One, two, [three], four, five, [six], [seven], eight, nine, 10,” he said, to a mix of thunderous applause and confused stares. “Eat that [expletive] Goddard!”


For Linda Brown, a retired court clerk, there was nothing interesting about Goddard or Brewer, but The Berk’s platform spoke to her core values. “Those two don’t have a clue, but The Berk’s a real man,” Brown said, over tacos and tequila at Don Juan’s Taco Taxi in Phoenix. “I worked for the state for 41 years, and I gotta tell you, there’s nothing but crooks and thieves running the place. It’s time for a change. Go get ‘em Berk!”


The Berk also promised to criminalize public flagellation, with suggested penalties ranging from forced readings of Sarah Palin’s book Going Rogue, to changing the 13,000 compact fluorescent light bulbs in Al Gore’s mansion. Although harsh, The Berk claims these consequences will deter people from emanating disagreeable odors, a fact which The Berk said “causes the ozone to get [expletive]-up.”


Perhaps the leading factor in The Berk’s win was his impeccable military record, according to political analyst Darryl McCombs. “Our poll taken a week before the election indicated that The Berk was favored because of his 139 confirmed kills in Iraq,” McCombs said in his busy office in Waco, Texas. “People also said that they felt like they could trust him, because Paris Hilton trusted him for several months with her fingernails – which aren't even insured!”


Pundits ignored McCombs's polls, and considered The Berk's dishonorable discharge a factor strong enough to keep support low. The votes told a different story. As an independent, The Berk stole votes from both sides of the isle, eliciting a fury in the state legislature.


The Berk raised an impressive $342 million for the campaign, receiving money from donors such as Mariah Carey, Ryan Seacrest, Hugh Hefner, Lady Gaga, that creepy midget guy who's in all those movies, and Rush Limbaugh. In a statement, Limbaugh said that The Berk is “the right man for Arizona.”


“Listen, all this talk about intelligence is moot,” Limbaugh said. “If intelligence was a prerequisite for public office, how in the hell did George W. make it? Wait a second, are we on record?”


Not to be outdone by stupid statements, Sean “P-Ditty Daddy Corn Puffs” Combs said that he couldn’t believe that a “cream-colored man who hates tacos can be elected in Arizona."


"But I like the dude," Combs said. "He smells like Purell. I like Purell.”


After Combs’ statement, Purell donated $50,000 to Combs’ charity, Get Out and Vote Even if You’re Uninformed. The Berk was also endorsed by Purell, as well as Walmart, Nike, McDonalds, Starbucks, Bank of America, Goldman Sachs, the Mortgage Bankers Association and the countries of North Korea, Iran and Israel. “Thank God for Citizens United!” The Berk said, in a rare moment of lucidity.


Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that he was thrilled to finally have something in common with Israel.


“Arizona, although part of the Zionist conspiracy, represents cool stuff,” Ahmadinejad said at a press conference for men. “If The Berk can take Arizona, maybe there is hope for United States and their scantily clad, cleavage-laden, voluptuous, curvy...” Ahmadinejad then quickly ran off the podium, holding himself inappropriately and muttering incoherently.


When asked about The Berk, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said that he respects the man’s straightforwardness and honesty. “He tells it like it is,” Netanyahu said, over pork sandwiches and oysters overlooking the destruction of squalid Palestinian houses. “Arizona needs a straight shooter, someone who can kick out all the immigrants. That’s the kind of man I would want in my government.”


The Berk, however, is immigrant-friendly, which is the prime reason pundits pegged him as a huge loser in a state where immigration has been dealt steady blows by the right.


At the top of The Berk’s list is to establish a public-private partnership with K-Y Brand to develop a sexual lubricant called Hornizona. Sales of the lubricant will fund sex education in public schools, and could help to reduce tax rates. The Berk said he can't take credit for the idea, as it was a suggestion to him from Sarah Palin.

Palin could not be reached for comment, but her assistant’s personal assistant’s spokesperson said that “Mrs. Palin is eager to take on the rigors of motherhood with her new television show, Momma Bear Hates Extinction..." The spokesperson would not comment on The Berk's election.


The Berk begins his four-year term in January. He is divorced three times and has nine children by seven mothers, and three children through sperm donations to gay couples.