FROM THE FUTURE: Nov. 12, 2029. Walmart announced today that it will begin marketing plans for the YouNuke, a consumer-friendly nuclear reactor that enables families to generate their own nuclear waste, with electricity as an added benefit.
“It’s a great day for the world economy,” said Richie Madoff, CEO of Walmart, a subsidiary of We Own Everything, Inc., a global corporation which owns pretty much everything. “Living better is all about saving money. Always. And nuclear reactors are the best way to save money and live better.”
The YouNuke is the size of a Volkswagon Beetle, and can easily fit in a basement or in your dirty neighbor’s yard. Walmart has partnered with Coca al Qaeda to negotiate the purchase of enriched uranium from Iran, which will be used in conjunction with sewage from the home to create the toxic waste. This waste can then be sold as raw materials to fast food eateries or rocket fuel manufacturers.
Madoff added that, like his father Bernie who left him as a bastard in 1990, he has nothing but good ideas for the future of his company. To promote the launch of the YouNuke, Madoff is offering a free Indonesian slave child for every two YouNukes purchased.
“Originally, we planned to give away a slave child for every YouNuke purchased, but we realized the child population in Indonesia wasn’t large enough to coincide with our sales projections.”
Madoff expects to sell at least 74 million units during its promotion, which would have effectively eliminated Indonesia’s under-5 population. Under the adjusted marketing plan – if sales meet projections – Indonesia’s child population would only be cut in half. “That’s much better for Indonesia,” Madoff admits. “Plus, we don’t want America to be overrun with slave children. Then there’d be no work for the illegal immigrants.”
Human rights groups were appalled at this notion, and called for a worldwide boycott of Walmart to prevent what is being called the “most abominable affront to human dignity since The Biggest Loser.” The boycott quickly lost steam, however, after Walmart donated $1 trillion to the major human rights organizations.
The United Nations announced it would set up a committee to examine if a commission on studying the need for an agency would be needed to investigate whether Walmart’s donation violated international treaty.
The idea for consumer-based nuclear energy is nothing new. In 2022, the Belgian-based company Luftwaffles Andsyrup created an isotope of enriched uranium that when combined with human sludge generated powerful flows of steam which were used to rotate a turbine. But the odor of vaporized excrement was too strong to be mass marketed, and the project was dropped.
Walmart engineers then picked up where the Belgians left off. The company learned how to handle the stench by partnering with pharmaceutical giant Phizer, which offers YouNuke buyers a lifetime prescription of Smellnomor, a drug that kills the human olfactory glands.
Walmart’s expansion plans continue to grow in ambition. After declaring itself a Corporate Republic in 2018, Walmart became the first global corporation to function as a sovereign state. Headquartered on the moon, Walmart positioned itself to dominate the interstellar economy. The YouNuke is its first step at ensuring ubiquity in the universe.
Walmart set the MSRP for the YouNuke at $1,423.64, but will also accept DNA from the Warren Buffett Genotype Laboratory as currency.
