The Clairvoyant Times, March 1, 2040:
Caucasians have left the building... and the country. A 400-year reign has ended for white people after recent census numbers revealed that Hispanics are now the majority ethnic group in the United States. Celebrations across the country juxtaposed the somber mood on Wall Street and throughout the midwest and most of New England.
White people have been steadily fleeing the country since losing power in all facets of government and economy.
“It’s been a long time coming,” said white guy Steve Doramus, CEO of PoopGro, a sludge fertilizer company formerly based in North Carolina. Doramus and his family recently left for Beijing where he will start selling human excrement to Chinese farmers as fertilizer. He said that ever since other ethnicities took control over the United States, environmentally disastrous businesses have not been able to turn a profit. China, however, is still open for business.
“It’s a scary day in America when you can’t buy your way to power,” Doramus said. “It’s a good thing China doesn’t give a crap about its environment. At least some U.S. policies will survive [in other countries].”
The mass emigration of white people from the U.S. to other lands – mainly Saudi Arabia, India, South Africa and China – has created an economic ripple effect, said Jorge Sanchez, an economist at Harvard Escuela de Negocios.
“Many markets are soaring, but there are several that seem hurt now that white people are leaving,” Sanchez said. The plastic surgery market plummeted because many surgeons are white, Sanchez added, and these people are now seeking hideous faces to conform to shallow standards in other countries.
Mental health pharmaceuticals lost 90% of their customers and three companies have already gone belly-up. Health insurance providers are racing to affect international health care laws to get a piece of the global market which, until now, was untapped because of “stupid public health care systems.”
“But now that white Americans are finally infiltrating the rest of the world, we can pretty much guarantee that public health systems will crumble and make way for the private health insurance companies that are the backbone of a thriving capitalist democracy,” said Rich Merchant, president of the Walmart Insurance Network (WIN).
The changing of the racial guard spurred a sharp drop in crime and has sociologists and economists – people who aren’t normally confused – confused. “We can’t figure it out,” said Sho Gun Di, professor of social economics at Chiang Ze Princeton Tao University. “We suspect that maybe white people were once the targets of crimes, but now they’re gone, most people aren’t interested in criminalizing people they like.”
Others consider the phenomenon a result of police departments and judges becoming increasingly multiethnic, now that most of the white people who once held those positions are fleeing like mice after seeing a cat.
“You really don’t see any more instances of people being arrested for being black on a Friday night,” said Sgt. Jerome Jenkins of the Los Angeles Police Department. “We have seen a rise in arrests for people being white and in a black church on Sunday, though.”
Prison populations have also declined, an effect attributed to the rise in alternative punishments, Jenkins added. Graduation rates among African Americans, Hispanics and Native Americans have skyrocketed since the U.S. Department of Education hired Redtree Coyote to run its operations in 2036.
Coyote has since become the first Native American woman to be elected president of the United States. Her tenure sparked an unprecedented explosion of native freedoms, said Greg Bear, president of Americans Indians for American Freedom.
Studies by the AIAF indicate that almost all Native Americans that were once in Alcoholics Anonymous classes have now left and have not touched the bottle since Coyote’s election. Many lands that were confiscated have now been returned to the natives and health care for native people has actually become a reality.
“I guess now that white people gave up, native people don't feel like they have to drink themselves into oblivion to deal with the fact that their homeland was raped and abused and our people murdered and lied to,” Bear added.
But countries receiving the influx of American refugees are not overly excited about housing Uncle Sam’s pale orphans. “Everywhere I look in the world it’s white people,” said Francis Bobowokoye, South Africa’s minister of culture and tourism. “I thought colonialism was over. When are they just going to go away? Haven’t they ruined the world enough?”
Indian officials are just as skeptical. “We had the English rule our country for centuries, now we have to worry about the Americans coming in? It’s too much,” said Raj Patel, India’s ambassador to Pakistan.
Canada denied Americans attempting to cross its border. In an official statement, the Canadian government stated that “all you needed to do was teach your children better (read: languages) and none of this would have happened.” Mexico also denied Americans, claiming they would “steal Mexican jobs, drink all the Mexican tequila and try to open up Taco Bells.”
A small contingency of white people flocked to the Caucasus Mountains in Armenia and Azerbaijan and buried themselves in the ground in an attempt to “get in touch with their roots.”
Not all white people are leaving or plan to leave. Several thousand stayed behind to join the party that has become an epic multicultural extravaganza ever since the news hit that white people are no longer the majority.
“These white folks get it, they understand,” said T-bone Bisceiwitz, a former drug runner who recently completed law school and is now running for attorney general in Utah. “These white people know that human beings are all just one race anyway. Now, with bad whitey on the outs, maybe we can all just get along.”
During her State of the Union address, President Coyote made her position on the emigration clear: “White people are always welcome in America. Everyone is welcome. But just remember, if you visit someone and they let you sleep on their couch, that doesn’t mean you can take the couch, kill the children, rape the mother and enslave the father. Just sleep on the couch.”
