THE CLAIRVOYANT TIMES NEWS WIRE FROM THE FUTURE: Jan. 1, 2015. After reports of Sarah Palin’s affair with Julian Assange made headlines in late 2014, the two have succeeded in criminalizing all forms of information this week with the passing of the U R EFFED Act.
Spearheaded by Palin, Assange and the Hitler Coalition for Silence, the U R EFFED Act (which is an acronym for United Reinforcement of the Elimination of Free Facts and Earnest Deliberations), has made information illegal. By reading this article, you are breaking Sec. 1-4 of the law, which states “Words strung together in the form of sentences to create a meaningful or otherwise informative and/or entertaining sensation shall be limited to school books as deemed appropriate by the U.S. Walmart Department of Education... any other such coordination of phrases shall be punishable by no less than five (5) years in Federal prison.”
Free speech advocates are screaming foul play, but security experts claim that information is creating a “know everything” phenomenon where every person has access to knowledge. “There is no worse thing in the world than information access,” Palin said at her press conference in an abandoned bear cave in the middle of nowhere. “Julian and I came together to... well, he came first, to me and said that he wanted... What the hell did you want Julian?”
Julian was on a live Skype feed from his headquarters on Mars. The lag time was roughly ten minutes, where the entire press core sat in silence, watching a mysterious red liquid drip off Palin’s hand onto a large fish which flopped around on the floor. Finally he spoke.
“Yes, Sarah, we came together to end information access,” Assange said. The press went ballistic.
“Why this action, after WikiLeaks broke down the access barrier in 2010?” asked Juan Gutierrez of Mother Jones.
“Where are you, really?” inquired Fred Merchant of The New York Times.
“Who are you?” asked Ron Jones from Fox News.
After another long lag, Assange spoke. “WikiLeaks was just a way to get on TV. I was thinking about being an axe murderer, but I hate guns,” Assange said, as eyebrows raised throughout the crowd in bewilderment.
“But if information has become illegal, how can we have this press conference?” yelled a young girl from the local high school newspaper. Everyone turned to scowl at the teenager, whose question seemed to put everyone in danger.
Palin assured everyone that the press conference – because it was strictly for propaganda – was perfectly legal. “It’s other information that’s illegal,” she said, as she whacked the flopping fish with her Gucci club.
But the climax of the conference came after Assange revealed that all WikiLeaks’ reports were actually falsified, and that the so-called "classified" documents were derived from video game scenarios that “were just too damn cool to ignore.”
Bedlam ensued upon hearing the news that every major story from the past four years was based not on facts, but on a nine-year-old's experience playing the hit game Medal of Honor. Three people in the press pit had heart attacks and died on the spot. Another two had debilitating strokes. The AP reporter spontaneously ignited on fire, and the Fox News correspondent lit a cigar off the flaming carcass.
“Everyone calm down,” Palin urged. “Information isn’t that important anyway. If ignorance is bliss, why can’t we all just be blissful?”
Renown author Ray Bradbury sat in the corner, surrounded by burning books and wagging his finger. The books were lit by panicked members of the press who thought they were breaking the law with their possession of information.
San Sveritas, editor of The Clairvoyant Times, noted that Palin’s 2011 lawsuit against The Clairvoyant Times for printing her torrid affair before it happened has nothing to do with the accurateness of this report.
