News wire FROM THE FUTURE: Phoenix, Ariz. Nov. 3, 2010.
Paris Hilton’s fingernail cleaner, Rufus Berkowitz, took the Arizona governor's seat in a landslide victory. Not a single pundit saw it coming. “The Berk,” as he calls himself, received 79 percent of the vote in his home state, and became the first individual to be elected to public office in the United States with an IQ of less than 50.
“Arizona is [a] good state,” The Berk said during his victory speech at the Hooters near Metroman Mall in Phoenix. “Is really, really, really good that those dumb [expletive] ain’t gonna run the show.”
Arizona voters seemed thrilled to have The Berk as their next governor.
When Javier Perez heard the news he took off running like a madman, belting Spanish phrases of jubilation as police officers chased him around the block screaming for his identification. After a thorough background check, DNA analysis and full-cavity body search, the authorities released the 31-year-old painter from Mesa. But Perez would net let the police ruin this special day.
“This is a great day for everyone,” he said, as he removed a wedgie. “Not only is The Berk gonna clean house, he’s gonna make sure that all Mexican laborers get free sandwiches on Fridays.”
The Berk’s passion for Friday feedings of the entire Arizona populace was one of his main running points. Republican incumbent Jan Brewer was shocked at The Berk’s sweep of the election.
“I’m appalled,” Brewer said at her loser’s press conference. “It’s as if the great people of the state of Arizona would prefer to have a retard running things than Mr. [Terry] Goddard or I.”
Democratic candidate Goddard was equally bemused.
“You can’t have a person run the state who can’t even count to 10,” he said. “It’s just not good governance.”
When The Berk learned of his adversaries’ statements, he was filled with anger.
“I can count to 10,” he said. “One, two, [three], four, five, [six], [seven], eight, nine, 10,” he said, to a mix of thunderous applause and confused stares. “Eat that [expletive] Goddard!”
For Linda Brown, a retired court clerk, there was nothing interesting about Goddard or Brewer, but The Berk’s platform spoke to her core values. “Those two don’t have a clue, but The Berk’s a real man,” Brown said, over tacos and tequila at Don Juan’s Taco Taxi in Phoenix. “I worked for the state for 41 years, and I gotta tell you, there’s nothing but crooks and thieves running the place. It’s time for a change. Go get ‘em Berk!”
The Berk also promised to criminalize public flagellation, with suggested penalties ranging from forced readings of Sarah Palin’s book Going Rogue, to changing the 13,000 compact fluorescent light bulbs in Al Gore’s mansion. Although harsh, The Berk claims these consequences will deter people from emanating disagreeable odors, a fact which The Berk said “causes the ozone to get [expletive]-up.”
Perhaps the leading factor in The Berk’s win was his impeccable military record, according to political analyst Darryl McCombs. “Our poll taken a week before the election indicated that The Berk was favored because of his 139 confirmed kills in Iraq,” McCombs said in his busy office in Waco, Texas. “People also said that they felt like they could trust him, because Paris Hilton trusted him for several months with her fingernails – which aren't even insured!”
Pundits ignored McCombs's polls, and considered The Berk's dishonorable discharge a factor strong enough to keep support low. The votes told a different story. As an independent, The Berk stole votes from both sides of the isle, eliciting a fury in the state legislature.
The Berk raised an impressive $342 million for the campaign, receiving money from donors such as Mariah Carey, Ryan Seacrest, Hugh Hefner, Lady Gaga, that creepy midget guy who's in all those movies, and Rush Limbaugh. In a statement, Limbaugh said that The Berk is “the right man for Arizona.”
“Listen, all this talk about intelligence is moot,” Limbaugh said. “If intelligence was a prerequisite for public office, how in the hell did George W. make it? Wait a second, are we on record?”
Not to be outdone by stupid statements, Sean “P-Ditty Daddy Corn Puffs” Combs said that he couldn’t believe that a “cream-colored man who hates tacos can be elected in Arizona."
"But I like the dude," Combs said. "He smells like Purell. I like Purell.”
After Combs’ statement, Purell donated $50,000 to Combs’ charity, Get Out and Vote Even if You’re Uninformed. The Berk was also endorsed by Purell, as well as Walmart, Nike, McDonalds, Starbucks, Bank of America, Goldman Sachs, the Mortgage Bankers Association and the countries of North Korea, Iran and Israel. “Thank God for Citizens United!” The Berk said, in a rare moment of lucidity.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that he was thrilled to finally have something in common with Israel.
“Arizona, although part of the Zionist conspiracy, represents cool stuff,” Ahmadinejad said at a press conference for men. “If The Berk can take Arizona, maybe there is hope for United States and their scantily clad, cleavage-laden, voluptuous, curvy...” Ahmadinejad then quickly ran off the podium, holding himself inappropriately and muttering incoherently.
When asked about The Berk, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said that he respects the man’s straightforwardness and honesty. “He tells it like it is,” Netanyahu said, over pork sandwiches and oysters overlooking the destruction of squalid Palestinian houses. “Arizona needs a straight shooter, someone who can kick out all the immigrants. That’s the kind of man I would want in my government.”
The Berk, however, is immigrant-friendly, which is the prime reason pundits pegged him as a huge loser in a state where immigration has been dealt steady blows by the right.
At the top of The Berk’s list is to establish a public-private partnership with K-Y Brand to develop a sexual lubricant called Hornizona. Sales of the lubricant will fund sex education in public schools, and could help to reduce tax rates. The Berk said he can't take credit for the idea, as it was a suggestion to him from Sarah Palin.
Palin could not be reached for comment, but her assistant’s personal assistant’s spokesperson said that “Mrs. Palin is eager to take on the rigors of motherhood with her new television show, Momma Bear Hates Extinction..." The spokesperson would not comment on The Berk's election.
The Berk begins his four-year term in January. He is divorced three times and has nine children by seven mothers, and three children through sperm donations to gay couples.
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