CLAIRVOYANT TIMES — July 28, 2029.
Coca-cola flipped the marketing world upside down once again, this time by publicly trashing Dasani, the bottled water division of the Coke empire.
Strategists are baffled by this bombastic buffoonery.
“I really don’t know what to make of it,” said Ray Crock III, CEO of McDonalds Nike Inc. “I haven’t slept in three days, mulling over the, ‘Is this genius, or lunacy?’ sentiment.”
Crock spearheaded the fast food industry’s 2022 campaign to successfully define naturally-occuring water as an enemy of public health, and is widely regarded as the master of corporate propaganda. His confusion regarding Coke's masochistic maneuvering is an almost universal sentiment in consumer-marketing circles.
However, a former Coke official close to The Clairvoyant Times explained that Coke’s move is beyond genius, “It’s god-like."
"What they’re doing is engaging in what marketing insiders call the ‘elephonkey method,’” explained the former executive, who wished to remain anonymous.
The elephonkey method, the source described, reflects the campaign tactics devised by oil companies and weapons manufacturers and used by Republicans and Democrats in the American political system. “When you start a fight, people take a side,” she said. “When people take a side, the government, or the corporation in this case—well, it's really corporations in both cases, but you get my point—when people take a side, the company wins either way, because they own both products, just as in the case of the government, the corporations win either way because they own both candidates. Voters, or rather, consumers in Coke's case, don’t care who owns what, they’re only interested in the drama, the fight, and taking a side.”
When Crock heard of this concept, he keeled over and died from a massive aneurysm. The official death report indicated he was smiling larger than his face could handle, causing the eventual ballooning of a facial artery which then traveled to his brain.
Crock’s second in command, Sam Knight IV, said he would watch for other drink labels to pick up what he calls “the independents.”
“These ‘third-partiers’ are people who hate the fight,” Knight said. “These people think they are outside of the system, so they seek the drinks that don’t market at all, that don’t play the games.”
But Coke is already ahead of the game, according to the company's former executive. She confirmed that Coke is the owner of the recently released soda called Anarch, and was marketing it strictly through street graffiti, tattoos, web hacking, media sabotage and guerilla theater.
“There are no traceable connections to Coke, so Anarch looks like a grassroots beverage,” she said. “It's anti-establishment theme attracts all consumers who hate being called consumers. However, it also includes the same addictive secret chemicals that are in Coke, so they're basically guaranteed record profits.”
There are also unconfirmed reports of an underground version of Dasani called Neechuh, to be released sometime in the fall.
Dasani officials declined to comment for this story, but noted that its water still comes straight from the tap in Mexico City and will never deviate from selling nature’s most abundant resource for the same price as a Coke. Experts expect Dasani will be forced to inject its water with empty calories if it hopes to compete with its carbonated brethren, especially in the developing world where every calorie counts.
Utilizing government tactics as firepower for corporate propaganda has a long and glorious history that dates back to the invention of the wheel. When Walmart Inc. purchased the rights to the wheel in 484 B.C., it immediately began utilizing Persian Empire tactics of fear and intimidation to force people to pay homage to the Walmart god, Waltonia.
Coke's angle may be more secular than Walmart's, but investors say its end effect will be no less potent: angering people to the point of purchasing their only escape—a carbonated or flat beverage bottled by the propaganda masters.
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