In yet another Clairvoyant Times exclusive, correspondent David Durantz met with former President Barack Obama in 2039, on the 30th anniversary of his inauguration into the White House.
They talk racism, the insanity of war and Chicago pizza. Below is their interview:
David Durantz:
What is it about the presidency that changes you?
Barack Obama:
Well, that’s a helluva starter question there, Mr. Durantz! You sure you don’t want to slow down and ask me about my golf swing?
dd:
I don’t give a shit about golf. I give a shit about how corrupt everything around us has become.
BO:
Well, potty mouth! Look, let’s start over again. Mr. Durantz, it’s great to see you.
dd:
You know, I wanted it to be great when I first saw you. I really did.
BO:
You gave up on me, huh?
dd:
It’s not so much that I gave up on you. It’s just disappointment.
BO:
Well, I can’t be everything to every person. I did the best I could. Was I perfect? Who is? I just tried my best to do what’s right. Did I miss the mark sometimes? Of course I did, I’m human.
dd:
But that’s the crux of the problem, isn’t it?
BO:
What’s that?
dd:
People using their humanity as an excuse to fuck up.
BO:
That’s not what I was doing, I was simply –
dd:
Sorry to interrupt, Mr. Former President, but you stated clearly that the fact that you’re human excuses your inability to not fuck up pretty important things.
BO:
I’m not going to have a conversation about semantics. Do you have any real questions? I mean, I was the first black president of the United States. I would think you’d be prepared.
dd:
Look, Barry – Can I call you Barry?
BO:
Of course.
dd:
Look, Mr. Manilow, I know you’re a busy man. And you know I greatly appreciate you being here. I promised your kids my special brownies and that was the only thing that got me this interview.
BO:
(LAUGHS) Did you just call me Mr. Manilow? You know that’s what Dubya calls me!
dd:
(LAUGHS) No way!
BO:
You southern white boys are all the same.
dd:
Hey, I’m from Virginia, he’s from, the Republic of Texas-stan
BO:
Fair enough. But you act like you’re from Texas, with your terrible mouth.
dd:
But you gotta know why I swear so much! I mean, look at our society! We fire teachers and hire guards to fill corporate prisons filled with kids who can’t read. We outlaw medicinal plants and sell “legal” drugs that kill one person every 18 minutes. Our justice system targets African-Americans – arguably your better half – and the wealthy are immune to justice. Pay a fine to the government – or a tax, or fee, it’s semantics, really -- you can fund a cartel, inflate a housing market, put a nation of people into debt, then sell them more drugs, more bad food, more clothes they don’t need, anything to assuage their pain and divert their reality from the realness of this fake life we’ve created, devoid of empathy and rationality, filled with fear, as we feed on emotions that suck life from everything around us. How can you be a father?
BO:
I’m sorry?
dd:
I find bringing children into a world where the adults are more childish than them is the absolute worst idea a species could ever have.
BO:
Look, Dave, you mind if I call you Dave?
dd:
My name’s David actually.
BO:
Look, Mr. Hasselhoff, the system is embedded. When I got to the White House, sure I had ideas. But things happen when you become president.
dd:
That’s exactly the point of my first question! What is it about the presidency that changes you?
BO:
Come on, Hasselhoff, use your imagination.
dd:
Were you bribed? Did somebody give you something in exchange for something else?
BO:
Did you have something specific in mind, or are these just general allegations?
dd:
Why so defensive? I didn’t accuse you of anything. I simply asked if you –
BO:
Look, Hoss, I get where you’re going. Politicians are corrupt. I agree. You really think that even if I have ever been bribed or done something unethical – which I haven’t – that I would ever tell you in this interview?
dd:
Ah hah! An admitted liar!
BO:
What’s the lie? I’ve never done anything illegal or unethical while in office!
dd:
Not about that! You just admitted that you would lie, if you had done something illegal, you would lie to me about it!
BO:
That’s a hypothetical lie, I never
dd:
Ah! Don’t get all semantics on me, Manilow,
BO:
That’s man-low.
dd:
Did you just? Was that a penis joke?
BO:
I plead the fifth.
dd:
Come on, Manny, I heard the pronunciation change. Man. Low. You’re terrible.
BO:
Can’t I get away with at least one racial stereotype that isn’t white? I mean, I can dance, but that’s a bout it.
dd:
That’s terrible, Manny. You know racial humor is not cool.
BO:
Look, Hoss, it’s not that race is funny. Stereotypes are funny! Not because it represents that flaw of a certain race, but because it reflects the things we don’t know or understand, our fear, because it’s not our own culture. We’re unfamiliar with it. So we laugh at it to feel better about being different. We can then talk about being different because our guards are down.
dd:
Did you have some of those brownies, Manny?
BO:
Who, me?
dd:
I thought you were smiling a bit too wide. Now look. Let’s get serious. The world is almost totally destroyed. Rainforests are almost gone. The oceans are so toxic that if you eat a pound of sushi you’ll glow in the dark until your death a month later. Corporate greed is at an all time high. Nepotism. Cronyism. Endless wars on ideologies. How did it get this bad? Where did we go wrong?
BO:
You know, Hoss, I’ll tell you where we went wrong. The civil war.
dd:
What do you mean? You want slavery to come back?
BO:
No, of course not. But had the south won, slavery would have ended through revolution, not forced emancipation. Black people would have won respect and power to rule. After all, they were a large portion of our population and could have had a much larger influence on history, if we had freed ourselves.
dd:
But that’s completely hypothetical. What if slavery lasted longer? Wouldn’t more people have suffered?
BO:
Yes, without a doubt. And that’s tragic. But in the long run, we wouldn’t have had millions of young black boys locked up for stupid reasons. We wouldn’t have the ghettos and the segregated classrooms –
dd:
Now wait a minute, black people voluntarily segregate themselves just as bad as white people, just as bad as Latinos, Asians, everyone does it.
BO:
Well, you’re right. Maybe we would have taken the reins of law and the justice system was reversed. Black people are a tenth of the population yet two-fifths of the prison system and are arrested four times as often as white people.
dd:
I know, it’s appalling! But, well, it could be worse. They could be three-fifths of the prison system… Get it? Three-Fifths Compromise? Too soon?
BO:
You call me terrible?
dd:
Look, I totally agree with what you’re saying, but you’re dodging.
BO:
If you have a question, ask me, isn’t that why I’m here?
dd:
I asked you where things went wrong, you say the civil war.
BO:
That’s right.
dd:
But you can’t possibly be serious. How is the civil war that much more egregious than the French Civil War? Or the wars between Chinese empires? Or the warring city-states of Italy? Or any mass-death event involving people killing people because they disagree with each other? Why the civil war? You’re dodging the first question I asked you!
BO:
I’ve got to admit, Hoss, you’re persistent as hell!
dd:
And you’re stubborn as all hell! And evasive!
BO:
Why don’t you ask me something a little more specific?
dd:
What happened to you, Barack Obama, to make you sign an executive order, without public comment, barring your office from Freedom of Information Act requests?
BO:
It was already in place from the Bush-era.
dd:
Why did you escalate the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq?
BO:
I got us out of Iraq!
dd:
And then we were right back in there! Where does it end?
BO:
People fight wars, Hoss! I don’t like it either, I’d much prefer peace. But this is reality.
dd:
No, it’s this reality. not the only reality. We’ve created this monster. We’ve decided that it’s ok to kill someone if they look different or think differently or don’t speak our language. In that case, killing them is OK. Where is that law written? Where is the morality that separates certain murder from necessary sacrifice? Why is it OK to kill a Muslim person in Pakistan, but not OK to kill, say you, for instance. Oh, wait, you’re Muslim, my bad. Bad example.
BO:
Ha! Well played, sir . Now you know I can’t answer that, Hoss, if I could I’d be a bigger guru than Deepak Chopra. Or Oprah.
dd:
What is it about Chicago, the pizza?
BO:
The lack of guns.
dd:
I’m not quite sure how to respond to that.
They talk racism, the insanity of war and Chicago pizza. Below is their interview:
David Durantz:
What is it about the presidency that changes you?
Barack Obama:
Well, that’s a helluva starter question there, Mr. Durantz! You sure you don’t want to slow down and ask me about my golf swing?
dd:
I don’t give a shit about golf. I give a shit about how corrupt everything around us has become.
BO:
Well, potty mouth! Look, let’s start over again. Mr. Durantz, it’s great to see you.
dd:
You know, I wanted it to be great when I first saw you. I really did.
BO:
You gave up on me, huh?
dd:
It’s not so much that I gave up on you. It’s just disappointment.
BO:
Well, I can’t be everything to every person. I did the best I could. Was I perfect? Who is? I just tried my best to do what’s right. Did I miss the mark sometimes? Of course I did, I’m human.
dd:
But that’s the crux of the problem, isn’t it?
BO:
What’s that?
dd:
People using their humanity as an excuse to fuck up.
BO:
That’s not what I was doing, I was simply –
dd:
Sorry to interrupt, Mr. Former President, but you stated clearly that the fact that you’re human excuses your inability to not fuck up pretty important things.
BO:
I’m not going to have a conversation about semantics. Do you have any real questions? I mean, I was the first black president of the United States. I would think you’d be prepared.
dd:
Look, Barry – Can I call you Barry?
BO:
Of course.
dd:
Look, Mr. Manilow, I know you’re a busy man. And you know I greatly appreciate you being here. I promised your kids my special brownies and that was the only thing that got me this interview.
BO:
(LAUGHS) Did you just call me Mr. Manilow? You know that’s what Dubya calls me!
dd:
(LAUGHS) No way!
BO:
You southern white boys are all the same.
dd:
Hey, I’m from Virginia, he’s from, the Republic of Texas-stan
BO:
Fair enough. But you act like you’re from Texas, with your terrible mouth.
dd:
But you gotta know why I swear so much! I mean, look at our society! We fire teachers and hire guards to fill corporate prisons filled with kids who can’t read. We outlaw medicinal plants and sell “legal” drugs that kill one person every 18 minutes. Our justice system targets African-Americans – arguably your better half – and the wealthy are immune to justice. Pay a fine to the government – or a tax, or fee, it’s semantics, really -- you can fund a cartel, inflate a housing market, put a nation of people into debt, then sell them more drugs, more bad food, more clothes they don’t need, anything to assuage their pain and divert their reality from the realness of this fake life we’ve created, devoid of empathy and rationality, filled with fear, as we feed on emotions that suck life from everything around us. How can you be a father?
BO:
I’m sorry?
dd:
I find bringing children into a world where the adults are more childish than them is the absolute worst idea a species could ever have.
BO:
Look, Dave, you mind if I call you Dave?
dd:
My name’s David actually.
BO:
Look, Mr. Hasselhoff, the system is embedded. When I got to the White House, sure I had ideas. But things happen when you become president.
dd:
That’s exactly the point of my first question! What is it about the presidency that changes you?
BO:
Come on, Hasselhoff, use your imagination.
dd:
Were you bribed? Did somebody give you something in exchange for something else?
BO:
Did you have something specific in mind, or are these just general allegations?
dd:
Why so defensive? I didn’t accuse you of anything. I simply asked if you –
BO:
Look, Hoss, I get where you’re going. Politicians are corrupt. I agree. You really think that even if I have ever been bribed or done something unethical – which I haven’t – that I would ever tell you in this interview?
dd:
Ah hah! An admitted liar!
BO:
What’s the lie? I’ve never done anything illegal or unethical while in office!
dd:
Not about that! You just admitted that you would lie, if you had done something illegal, you would lie to me about it!
BO:
That’s a hypothetical lie, I never
dd:
Ah! Don’t get all semantics on me, Manilow,
BO:
That’s man-low.
dd:
Did you just? Was that a penis joke?
BO:
I plead the fifth.
dd:
Come on, Manny, I heard the pronunciation change. Man. Low. You’re terrible.
BO:
Can’t I get away with at least one racial stereotype that isn’t white? I mean, I can dance, but that’s a bout it.
dd:
That’s terrible, Manny. You know racial humor is not cool.
BO:
Look, Hoss, it’s not that race is funny. Stereotypes are funny! Not because it represents that flaw of a certain race, but because it reflects the things we don’t know or understand, our fear, because it’s not our own culture. We’re unfamiliar with it. So we laugh at it to feel better about being different. We can then talk about being different because our guards are down.
dd:
Did you have some of those brownies, Manny?
BO:
Who, me?
dd:
I thought you were smiling a bit too wide. Now look. Let’s get serious. The world is almost totally destroyed. Rainforests are almost gone. The oceans are so toxic that if you eat a pound of sushi you’ll glow in the dark until your death a month later. Corporate greed is at an all time high. Nepotism. Cronyism. Endless wars on ideologies. How did it get this bad? Where did we go wrong?
BO:
You know, Hoss, I’ll tell you where we went wrong. The civil war.
dd:
What do you mean? You want slavery to come back?
BO:
No, of course not. But had the south won, slavery would have ended through revolution, not forced emancipation. Black people would have won respect and power to rule. After all, they were a large portion of our population and could have had a much larger influence on history, if we had freed ourselves.
dd:
But that’s completely hypothetical. What if slavery lasted longer? Wouldn’t more people have suffered?
BO:
Yes, without a doubt. And that’s tragic. But in the long run, we wouldn’t have had millions of young black boys locked up for stupid reasons. We wouldn’t have the ghettos and the segregated classrooms –
dd:
Now wait a minute, black people voluntarily segregate themselves just as bad as white people, just as bad as Latinos, Asians, everyone does it.
BO:
Well, you’re right. Maybe we would have taken the reins of law and the justice system was reversed. Black people are a tenth of the population yet two-fifths of the prison system and are arrested four times as often as white people.
dd:
I know, it’s appalling! But, well, it could be worse. They could be three-fifths of the prison system… Get it? Three-Fifths Compromise? Too soon?
BO:
You call me terrible?
dd:
Look, I totally agree with what you’re saying, but you’re dodging.
BO:
If you have a question, ask me, isn’t that why I’m here?
dd:
I asked you where things went wrong, you say the civil war.
BO:
That’s right.
dd:
But you can’t possibly be serious. How is the civil war that much more egregious than the French Civil War? Or the wars between Chinese empires? Or the warring city-states of Italy? Or any mass-death event involving people killing people because they disagree with each other? Why the civil war? You’re dodging the first question I asked you!
BO:
I’ve got to admit, Hoss, you’re persistent as hell!
dd:
And you’re stubborn as all hell! And evasive!
BO:
Why don’t you ask me something a little more specific?
dd:
What happened to you, Barack Obama, to make you sign an executive order, without public comment, barring your office from Freedom of Information Act requests?
BO:
It was already in place from the Bush-era.
dd:
Why did you escalate the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq?
BO:
I got us out of Iraq!
dd:
And then we were right back in there! Where does it end?
BO:
People fight wars, Hoss! I don’t like it either, I’d much prefer peace. But this is reality.
dd:
No, it’s this reality. not the only reality. We’ve created this monster. We’ve decided that it’s ok to kill someone if they look different or think differently or don’t speak our language. In that case, killing them is OK. Where is that law written? Where is the morality that separates certain murder from necessary sacrifice? Why is it OK to kill a Muslim person in Pakistan, but not OK to kill, say you, for instance. Oh, wait, you’re Muslim, my bad. Bad example.
BO:
Ha! Well played, sir . Now you know I can’t answer that, Hoss, if I could I’d be a bigger guru than Deepak Chopra. Or Oprah.
dd:
What is it about Chicago, the pizza?
BO:
The lack of guns.
dd:
I’m not quite sure how to respond to that.
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