White people leave United States in droves: A Clairvoyant Times exclusive (as always)

The Clairvoyant Times, March 1, 2040:

Caucasians have left the building... and the country. A 400-year reign has ended for white people after recent census numbers revealed that Hispanics are now the majority ethnic group in the United States. Celebrations across the country juxtaposed the somber mood on Wall Street and throughout the midwest and most of New England.

White people have been steadily fleeing the country since losing power in all facets of government and economy.

“It’s been a long time coming,” said white guy Steve Doramus, CEO of PoopGro, a sludge fertilizer company formerly based in North Carolina. Doramus and his family recently left for Beijing where he will start selling human excrement to Chinese farmers as fertilizer. He said that ever since other ethnicities took control over the United States, environmentally disastrous businesses have not been able to turn a profit. China, however, is still open for business.

“It’s a scary day in America when you can’t buy your way to power,” Doramus said. “It’s a good thing China doesn’t give a crap about its environment. At least some U.S. policies will survive [in other countries].”

The mass emigration of white people from the U.S. to other lands – mainly Saudi Arabia, India, South Africa and China – has created an economic ripple effect, said Jorge Sanchez, an economist at Harvard Escuela de Negocios.

“Many markets are soaring, but there are several that seem hurt now that white people are leaving,” Sanchez said. The plastic surgery market plummeted because many surgeons are white, Sanchez added, and these people are now seeking hideous faces to conform to shallow standards in other countries.

Mental health pharmaceuticals lost 90% of their customers and three companies have already gone belly-up. Health insurance providers are racing to affect international health care laws to get a piece of the global market which, until now, was untapped because of “stupid public health care systems.”

“But now that white Americans are finally infiltrating the rest of the world, we can pretty much guarantee that public health systems will crumble and make way for the private health insurance companies that are the backbone of a thriving capitalist democracy,” said Rich Merchant, president of the Walmart Insurance Network (WIN).

The changing of the racial guard spurred a sharp drop in crime and has sociologists and economists – people who aren’t normally confused – confused. “We can’t figure it out,” said Sho Gun Di, professor of social economics at Chiang Ze Princeton Tao University. “We suspect that maybe white people were once the targets of crimes, but now they’re gone, most people aren’t interested in criminalizing people they like.”

Others consider the phenomenon a result of police departments and judges becoming increasingly multiethnic, now that most of the white people who once held those positions are fleeing like mice after seeing a cat.

“You really don’t see any more instances of people being arrested for being black on a Friday night,” said Sgt. Jerome Jenkins of the Los Angeles Police Department. “We have seen a rise in arrests for people being white and in a black church on Sunday, though.”

Prison populations have also declined, an effect attributed to the rise in alternative punishments, Jenkins added. Graduation rates among African Americans, Hispanics and Native Americans have skyrocketed since the U.S. Department of Education hired Redtree Coyote to run its operations in 2036.

Coyote has since become the first Native American woman to be elected president of the United States. Her tenure sparked an unprecedented explosion of native freedoms, said Greg Bear, president of Americans Indians for American Freedom.

Studies by the AIAF indicate that almost all Native Americans that were once in Alcoholics Anonymous classes have now left and have not touched the bottle since Coyote’s election. Many lands that were confiscated have now been returned to the natives and health care for native people has actually become a reality.

“I guess now that white people gave up, native people don't feel like they have to drink themselves into oblivion to deal with the fact that their homeland was raped and abused and our people murdered and lied to,” Bear added.

But countries receiving the influx of American refugees are not overly excited about housing Uncle Sam’s pale orphans. “Everywhere I look in the world it’s white people,” said Francis Bobowokoye, South Africa’s minister of culture and tourism. “I thought colonialism was over. When are they just going to go away? Haven’t they ruined the world enough?”

Indian officials are just as skeptical. “We had the English rule our country for centuries, now we have to worry about the Americans coming in? It’s too much,” said Raj Patel, India’s ambassador to Pakistan.

Canada denied Americans attempting to cross its border. In an official statement, the Canadian government stated that “all you needed to do was teach your children better (read: languages) and none of this would have happened.” Mexico also denied Americans, claiming they would “steal Mexican jobs, drink all the Mexican tequila and try to open up Taco Bells.”

A small contingency of white people flocked to the Caucasus Mountains in Armenia and Azerbaijan and buried themselves in the ground in an attempt to “get in touch with their roots.”

Not all white people are leaving or plan to leave. Several thousand stayed behind to join the party that has become an epic multicultural extravaganza ever since the news hit that white people are no longer the majority.

“These white folks get it, they understand,” said T-bone Bisceiwitz, a former drug runner who recently completed law school and is now running for attorney general in Utah. “These white people know that human beings are all just one race anyway. Now, with bad whitey on the outs, maybe we can all just get along.”

During her State of the Union address, President Coyote made her position on the emigration clear: “White people are always welcome in America. Everyone is welcome. But just remember, if you visit someone and they let you sleep on their couch, that doesn’t mean you can take the couch, kill the children, rape the mother and enslave the father. Just sleep on the couch.”

Information Deemed Illegal: Reading The Clairvoyant Times Could Give You Five Years in Prison

THE CLAIRVOYANT TIMES NEWS WIRE FROM THE FUTURE: Jan. 1, 2015. After reports of Sarah Palin’s affair with Julian Assange made headlines in late 2014, the two have succeeded in criminalizing all forms of information this week with the passing of the U R EFFED Act.

Spearheaded by Palin, Assange and the Hitler Coalition for Silence, the U R EFFED Act (which is an acronym for United Reinforcement of the Elimination of Free Facts and Earnest Deliberations), has made information illegal. By reading this article, you are breaking Sec. 1-4 of the law, which states “Words strung together in the form of sentences to create a meaningful or otherwise informative and/or entertaining sensation shall be limited to school books as deemed appropriate by the U.S. Walmart Department of Education... any other such coordination of phrases shall be punishable by no less than five (5) years in Federal prison.”

Free speech advocates are screaming foul play, but security experts claim that information is creating a “know everything” phenomenon where every person has access to knowledge. “There is no worse thing in the world than information access,” Palin said at her press conference in an abandoned bear cave in the middle of nowhere. “Julian and I came together to... well, he came first, to me and said that he wanted... What the hell did you want Julian?”

Julian was on a live Skype feed from his headquarters on Mars. The lag time was roughly ten minutes, where the entire press core sat in silence, watching a mysterious red liquid drip off Palin’s hand onto a large fish which flopped around on the floor. Finally he spoke.

“Yes, Sarah, we came together to end information access,” Assange said. The press went ballistic.

“Why this action, after WikiLeaks broke down the access barrier in 2010?” asked Juan Gutierrez of Mother Jones.

“Where are you, really?” inquired Fred Merchant of The New York Times.

“Who are you?” asked Ron Jones from Fox News.

After another long lag, Assange spoke. “WikiLeaks was just a way to get on TV. I was thinking about being an axe murderer, but I hate guns,” Assange said, as eyebrows raised throughout the crowd in bewilderment.

“But if information has become illegal, how can we have this press conference?” yelled a young girl from the local high school newspaper. Everyone turned to scowl at the teenager, whose question seemed to put everyone in danger.

Palin assured everyone that the press conference – because it was strictly for propaganda – was perfectly legal. “It’s other information that’s illegal,” she said, as she whacked the flopping fish with her Gucci club.

But the climax of the conference came after Assange revealed that all WikiLeaks’ reports were actually falsified, and that the so-called "classified" documents were derived from video game scenarios that “were just too damn cool to ignore.”

Bedlam ensued upon hearing the news that every major story from the past four years was based not on facts, but on a nine-year-old's experience playing the hit game Medal of Honor. Three people in the press pit had heart attacks and died on the spot. Another two had debilitating strokes. The AP reporter spontaneously ignited on fire, and the Fox News correspondent lit a cigar off the flaming carcass.

“Everyone calm down,” Palin urged. “Information isn’t that important anyway. If ignorance is bliss, why can’t we all just be blissful?”

Renown author Ray Bradbury sat in the corner, surrounded by burning books and wagging his finger. The books were lit by panicked members of the press who thought they were breaking the law with their possession of information.

San Sveritas, editor of The Clairvoyant Times, noted that Palin’s 2011 lawsuit against The Clairvoyant Times for printing her torrid affair before it happened has nothing to do with the accurateness of this report.

Walmart Launches Nuclear Reactor Sales At Consumers

FROM THE FUTURE: Nov. 12, 2029. Walmart announced today that it will begin marketing plans for the YouNuke, a consumer-friendly nuclear reactor that enables families to generate their own nuclear waste, with electricity as an added benefit.

“It’s a great day for the world economy,” said Richie Madoff, CEO of Walmart, a subsidiary of We Own Everything, Inc., a global corporation which owns pretty much everything. “Living better is all about saving money. Always. And nuclear reactors are the best way to save money and live better.”

The YouNuke is the size of a Volkswagon Beetle, and can easily fit in a basement or in your dirty neighbor’s yard. Walmart has partnered with Coca al Qaeda to negotiate the purchase of enriched uranium from Iran, which will be used in conjunction with sewage from the home to create the toxic waste. This waste can then be sold as raw materials to fast food eateries or rocket fuel manufacturers.

Madoff added that, like his father Bernie who left him as a bastard in 1990, he has nothing but good ideas for the future of his company. To promote the launch of the YouNuke, Madoff is offering a free Indonesian slave child for every two YouNukes purchased.

“Originally, we planned to give away a slave child for every YouNuke purchased, but we realized the child population in Indonesia wasn’t large enough to coincide with our sales projections.”

Madoff expects to sell at least 74 million units during its promotion, which would have effectively eliminated Indonesia’s under-5 population. Under the adjusted marketing plan – if sales meet projections – Indonesia’s child population would only be cut in half. “That’s much better for Indonesia,” Madoff admits. “Plus, we don’t want America to be overrun with slave children. Then there’d be no work for the illegal immigrants.”

Human rights groups were appalled at this notion, and called for a worldwide boycott of Walmart to prevent what is being called the “most abominable affront to human dignity since The Biggest Loser.” The boycott quickly lost steam, however, after Walmart donated $1 trillion to the major human rights organizations.

The United Nations announced it would set up a committee to examine if a commission on studying the need for an agency would be needed to investigate whether Walmart’s donation violated international treaty.

The idea for consumer-based nuclear energy is nothing new. In 2022, the Belgian-based company Luftwaffles Andsyrup created an isotope of enriched uranium that when combined with human sludge generated powerful flows of steam which were used to rotate a turbine. But the odor of vaporized excrement was too strong to be mass marketed, and the project was dropped.

Walmart engineers then picked up where the Belgians left off. The company learned how to handle the stench by partnering with pharmaceutical giant Phizer, which offers YouNuke buyers a lifetime prescription of Smellnomor, a drug that kills the human olfactory glands.

Walmart’s expansion plans continue to grow in ambition. After declaring itself a Corporate Republic in 2018, Walmart became the first global corporation to function as a sovereign state. Headquartered on the moon, Walmart positioned itself to dominate the interstellar economy. The YouNuke is its first step at ensuring ubiquity in the universe.

Walmart set the MSRP for the YouNuke at $1,423.64, but will also accept DNA from the Warren Buffett Genotype Laboratory as currency.

Mentally disabled man wins governor seat in Arizona

News wire FROM THE FUTURE: Phoenix, Ariz. Nov. 3, 2010.

Paris Hilton’s fingernail cleaner, Rufus Berkowitz, took the Arizona governor's seat in a landslide victory. Not a single pundit saw it coming. “The Berk,” as he calls himself, received 79 percent of the vote in his home state, and became the first individual to be elected to public office in the United States with an IQ of less than 50.

“Arizona is [a] good state,” The Berk said during his victory speech at the Hooters near Metroman Mall in Phoenix. “Is really, really, really good that those dumb [expletive] ain’t gonna run the show.”

Arizona voters seemed thrilled to have The Berk as their next governor.

When Javier Perez heard the news he took off running like a madman, belting Spanish phrases of jubilation as police officers chased him around the block screaming for his identification. After a thorough background check, DNA analysis and full-cavity body search, the authorities released the 31-year-old painter from Mesa. But Perez would net let the police ruin this special day.

“This is a great day for everyone,” he said, as he removed a wedgie. “Not only is The Berk gonna clean house, he’s gonna make sure that all Mexican laborers get free sandwiches on Fridays.”

The Berk’s passion for Friday feedings of the entire Arizona populace was one of his main running points. Republican incumbent Jan Brewer was shocked at The Berk’s sweep of the election.

“I’m appalled,” Brewer said at her loser’s press conference. “It’s as if the great people of the state of Arizona would prefer to have a retard running things than Mr. [Terry] Goddard or I.”

Democratic candidate Goddard was equally bemused.

“You can’t have a person run the state who can’t even count to 10,” he said. “It’s just not good governance.”

When The Berk learned of his adversaries’ statements, he was filled with anger.

“I can count to 10,” he said. “One, two, [three], four, five, [six], [seven], eight, nine, 10,” he said, to a mix of thunderous applause and confused stares. “Eat that [expletive] Goddard!”

For Linda Brown, a retired court clerk, there was nothing interesting about Goddard or Brewer, but The Berk’s platform spoke to her core values. “Those two don’t have a clue, but The Berk’s a real man,” Brown said, over tacos and tequila at Don Juan’s Taco Taxi in Phoenix. “I worked for the state for 41 years, and I gotta tell you, there’s nothing but crooks and thieves running the place. It’s time for a change. Go get ‘em Berk!”

The Berk also promised to criminalize public flagellation, with suggested penalties ranging from forced readings of Sarah Palin’s book Going Rogue, to changing the 13,000 compact fluorescent light bulbs in Al Gore’s mansion. Although harsh, The Berk claims these consequences will deter people from emanating disagreeable odors, a fact which The Berk said “causes the ozone to get [expletive]-up.”

Perhaps the leading factor in The Berk’s win was his impeccable military record, according to political analyst Darryl McCombs. “Our poll taken a week before the election indicated that The Berk was favored because of his 139 confirmed kills in Iraq,” McCombs said in his busy office in Waco, Texas. “People also said that they felt like they could trust him, because Paris Hilton trusted him for several months with her fingernails – which aren't even insured!”

Pundits ignored McCombs's polls, and considered The Berk's dishonorable discharge a factor strong enough to keep support low. The votes told a different story. As an independent, The Berk stole votes from both sides of the isle, eliciting a fury in the state legislature.

The Berk raised an impressive $342 million for the campaign, receiving money from donors such as Mariah Carey, Ryan Seacrest, Hugh Hefner, Lady Gaga, that creepy midget guy who's in all those movies, and Rush Limbaugh. In a statement, Limbaugh said that The Berk is “the right man for Arizona.”

“Listen, all this talk about intelligence is moot,” Limbaugh said. “If intelligence was a prerequisite for public office, how in the hell did George W. make it? Wait a second, are we on record?”

Not to be outdone by stupid statements, Sean “P-Ditty Daddy Corn Puffs” Combs said that he couldn’t believe that a “cream-colored man who hates tacos can be elected in Arizona."

"But I like the dude," Combs said. "He smells like Purell. I like Purell.”

After Combs’ statement, Purell donated $50,000 to Combs’ charity, Get Out and Vote Even if You’re Uninformed. The Berk was also endorsed by Purell, as well as Walmart, Nike, McDonalds, Starbucks, Bank of America, Goldman Sachs, the Mortgage Bankers Association and the countries of North Korea, Iran and Israel. “Thank God for Citizens United!” The Berk said, in a rare moment of lucidity.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said that he was thrilled to finally have something in common with Israel.

“Arizona, although part of the Zionist conspiracy, represents cool stuff,” Ahmadinejad said at a press conference for men. “If The Berk can take Arizona, maybe there is hope for United States and their scantily clad, cleavage-laden, voluptuous, curvy...” Ahmadinejad then quickly ran off the podium, holding himself inappropriately and muttering incoherently.

When asked about The Berk, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said that he respects the man’s straightforwardness and honesty. “He tells it like it is,” Netanyahu said, over pork sandwiches and oysters overlooking the destruction of squalid Palestinian houses. “Arizona needs a straight shooter, someone who can kick out all the immigrants. That’s the kind of man I would want in my government.”

The Berk, however, is immigrant-friendly, which is the prime reason pundits pegged him as a huge loser in a state where immigration has been dealt steady blows by the right.

At the top of The Berk’s list is to establish a public-private partnership with K-Y Brand to develop a sexual lubricant called Hornizona. Sales of the lubricant will fund sex education in public schools, and could help to reduce tax rates. The Berk said he can't take credit for the idea, as it was a suggestion to him from Sarah Palin.

Palin could not be reached for comment, but her assistant’s personal assistant’s spokesperson said that “Mrs. Palin is eager to take on the rigors of motherhood with her new television show, Momma Bear Hates Extinction..." The spokesperson would not comment on The Berk's election.

The Berk begins his four-year term in January. He is divorced three times and has nine children by seven mothers, and three children through sperm donations to gay couples.